5.31.2005

Of course you do

Been away on business for the last bit, lets make a quick dip into a recent comment before I get some much needed rest and a Bacta spritzer;

Boba Fett, I love you.

Can't say it any better than that really, but let's clarify something... and please, pay close attention.

I am a killer. I don't do so for justice, or law and order. I don't do so for revenge nor do I do it for kicks. I do it for CREDITS. Understand that? Money. You pay me and I'll kill someone for you. Say it with me, "Mr. Boba Fett kills sentient beings for credits". It's just that easy.

Now let's step back a moment and look at this. This person is professing love for someone who is admittedly a sexy badass, but a sexy badass who is also an unequaled contract killer. That's the key part there and I can't say it enough. Contract killer. I'm not exactly the sort of guy you want to bring home to mother, unless of course you're paying me to kill her, in which case game on. I hate mothers.

Why bring this up? Simply because for every being out their that's terrified of me, there is another one who worships the ground I walk on. They dress like me, they walk like me and they try and talk like me. The males want to be me, and the females want to be with me. It's pathetic really, as I think many of these people have been completely overcome with my level of extreme awesomeness and been totally blinded by what I really am. It's not like I'm hiding it. I have an ad in the yellow pages on most of the major systems in the galaxy for crying out loud. "AAA - BOBA FETT - I KILL FOR CREDITS". Hardly subtle.

Despite this, I've got the groupies, the hangers-on and those who profess their undying love to me. I find it flattering, but sad at the same time since for almost any number of credits I'd plug any one of you. Nothing personal.

So there's a little perspective on things, though I don't expect any of this will stop the love. What can I do? I am awesome.

5.18.2005

He thinks he's got me

From a recent comment;

kira_hibiki said...

...If, hypothetically, you were asked to take a bounty out on yourself, what would you do?

It was a cold, wet evening on a small moon, orbiting a small planet in the Ponntil system. I had been called there for what I was told could well have been the biggest contract of my career. I was excited, yet apprehensive at the prospects as I quietly manuevered through the shadows to the designated meeting area.

As the forest broke into a clearing I halted, and surveyed the scene before me. As promised my contact was waiting, with a single glowlamp set up on the ground to mark the area. He was a short, fat being with a sweaty unhappy look about him almost like a miniature Jabba the Hutt with legs. Beyond that, he looked very nervous. With deft precision I threw a stun grenade into the wooded area behind him and crouched low awaiting the detonation. When it came this unhappy fellow whirled about with a start to see what was happening and by the time he turned around I was standing before him, weapon drawn and levelled on him. The look on his face was priceless.

"Boba... er... Fett... er.. MR. FETT... it's you!" he stammered showing his grasp of the painfully obvious. I answered back with a typically cool response, I poked him in the ribs with my blaster and gave him a curt nod.

"You'll want the details no doubt", he said as he started to find his footing and shake off the nerves. "The work I have for you will go a long way towards ridding the galaxy of an undesirable and even farther towards proving you are a man of your word". I smiled inside my helmet as I started getting the feeling this was going to be an interesting conversation, though likely not in the way my little friend had planned. I could just feel it.

He went on to explain his views on life and our place in it, and told me a story of how his life in particular was such a hard one. He'd been stolen from his parents a child. Sold to the "rape gangs" and made to work in appalling conditions by slavers and the like. Boo hoo. I saw a Jedi cut off my fathers head right before my eyes and you don't hear me whining about it. At any rate, this "sad" tale wound on for a short while until he finally got to the point. "The galaxy", he said, "is full of three kinds of beings. The first are those without honor or promise. Those who will kill for the fun of it and feel no remorse at the upset they may cause to others. The second are the opposite. Noble and true, these types will keep their word almost to a fault and can be relied on to do what they say they'll do, regardless of the consequences to themselves. The third type are a mixture of the two. The sort who will always keep their word and honor a bargain, yet relish the idea of mayhem and the opportunity to do ill to others." He paused then, and looked me up and down. "You sir, are of the latter sort".

I'd had about enough of the slimy little shit-stain at that point and told him so. "Get to the point", I said in that slick even tone I use while working. "You are, without a doubt a man of your word. I've witnessed this countless times albeit indirectly, through all the research I've done about you and I've done a lot".

Oh great, a fan.

He went on, "In that respect you are a boon to the galaxy and I commend you for your steadfastness and shrewd business abilities. However, I have also seen much proof that you are just as much an undesirable. For while you always keep your word and your style of honor in carrying out your contracts, you thrive on the conflict and bare no thoughts within you for those to whom you bring harm". Sounded like his research was pretty accurate, got to hand it to him for that anyway. "For the last time chubby, what's the point?", I asked, growing very thin of patience.

"The point is this my friend", he said now unfortunately too cocky for his own good. "You are a man of your word, and at the same time an undesirable force in the galaxy. It is because of this that I am hiring you to kill... yourself." If anything ever made my mouth hang open in this helmet of mine it was that line. I couldn't believe someone would actually try something like this. "You want me to kill... myself?", I asked momentarily perplexed. "Quite", he replied smiling. "You are a man of your word and if you'll give me that word I'll fully believe you will carry out this contract." "Now why would I give you my word about something like that?", I asked. "Simply because I know you too well Mr. Fett and I know that if there is one thing you treasure more than the glory of the hunt, it's your legacy. See to it that this job gets carried to it's conclusion and I'll see to it that you are forever remembered as the greatest Bounty Hunter who ever lived. People will cheer your name for eons to come, and quake at the thought of your awesome might. If you do not accept the contract, I'll have to do the opposite of course. If you're remembered at all it will be as a nobody. A simple low grade bounty hunter who had promise, but lost everything because of a certain lifestyle peculiarty". I knew where this was going, I'd heard it before. My temperature was rising.

"So Mr. Fett as I said, it's quite simple. Accept the contract and give me your word that you'll kill yourself and be remembered well for all time... or... refuse the job and I tell the entire galaxy what I saw between you and a certain someone on Corellia. I do believe I have you Mr. Fett.", he added smiling.

I stood there staring at him... through him actually... for a long while. Mind mind racing back to days gone by and to mistakes made and opportunities lost. I knew exactly what he was talking about. Did he have me? Was I snared by such a fat useless piece of Wookie-dung?

His answer came swiftly as I literally pierced the left side of his face with the barrel of my EE-3 blaster rifle. I was actually a bit surprised I could hit someone that hard, as this isn't a pointy weapon but then again I was seriously pissed off. I pulled my weapon free and kicked him hard in the chest sending the fat little bastard on his ass. As is typical, he was begging and pleading for his life by now, or as best as he could at least with a huge hole torn in his face.

I toyed with him for a bit, expanding my knowledge of his species anatomy first hand with my vibroblade while he squealed and squirmed like the pathetic animal that he was. When I tired of that, and when my patience for the entire incident wained I leaned close to him and simply said, "Dead men tell no tales, and for the record... I am the greatest Bounty Hunter who ever lived shithead". With that I shot him in the face for a good 5 minutes straight. The resultant puddle was a sickly mask of this idiots head which I've no doubt made more than one creature sick that evening, as they came out of the forest to feast on his putrid remains.

I really am awesome you know. I'm sure this guy knew it too, at least for a moment.

5.17.2005

Han Solo and my "tendencies"

ok, lets clear a few things up. This venue for my thoughts has so far done little aside from stir up a lot of questions I'd just rather not be bothered thinking about. Due to several communications I've received, here are a couple of the most popular;

Do you respect Han Solo as a person?

As a person? What kind of stupid question is that anyway? I mean it's not like he and I are engaged or anything, and even if we were our relationship would likely not last long. Sure, I can admit to occassionally thinking that he's got a certain flair, and yes perhaps a particular brand of rugged charm that works too often in his favor, but beyond that... respect? Please. I want the man dead, it's as simple as that. You'll take note of the fact that I said I want him dead. Yes, I've got more than one contract on him as it is so there are many beings who want to see the last of this guy. What's different about Solo is that I personally want him dead too. A long time ago there was a bit of a scene between the two of us just before I was offered the first contract on his life. As is often said, good times lead to drinking... drinking leads to overindulgence... overindulgence leads to bad decision making... and bad decision making can lead to uncomfortable circumstances. All that said, I will not be dragged into sorting out the particulars, but let it be said that I have a very personal stake in seeing Solo's head on a dick.

Are you gay?

At first I didn't even want to justify this with a response, but the damned communications have just kept coming so here we are. How many of you would ask this question of me in person I wonder? Likely not many if you were smart, or after you saw what I did to the first to ask but seeing as how this is a relatively anonymous venue you people just won't leave me alone. Gay? Me? Please. I'm Boba damned Fett for crying out loud. I'm a hard-bitten galaxy faring bounty hunter, feared and renowned across more systems than most have ever heard of. I've tracked and killed everything from the biggest, nastiest creatures to the highest ranking political figures and through it all held my sense of purpose as well as my determination to just look damn good doing what I do. I think I've carried this all off pretty well if you ask me, and at this point my reputation should pretty much speak for itself. Gay? As they say on Meridian-4... puh-leeze.

That's about all I have to say on these subjects. Now lets get away from the Secret-Solo-Saga and the gayness and more into some questions about other aspects of my life, and how damned awesome I am.

5.11.2005

The three legged race

Here's a question I got in a comment recently;

Suppose for some incredibly insane and non-logical reason, you were involved in a three legged race. And lets say that three legged race involved the cast of characters such as the likes of Han Solo, Luke Skywalker, Princess Leia, Darth Vader, and Chewbaka. Assuming you are not allowed to cheat and murder your opponents, and also assuming you follow that rule, which of those people would you choose as your three-legged race partner in order to win the race?


For one thing, killing your opponents in any aspect of life isn't cheating. Often, it's just smartest move you can make, but I'll play along here. Who would I want as a partner in a three legged race? Lets break it down;

Han Solo - It has been suggested here and elsewhere that I have a grudging respect for Solo, so I'm sure many people might assume I'd chose him because of that. In all honesty, he'd be my last choice. Solo has been one of my longest standing contracts and being strapped to the man without being "allowed" to kill him, would simply eat me up inside. Knowing me I'd find some excuse to lose the race then blame him, thus giving me 100% justification to shoot him in the face. Not that I need justification mind you, but still.

Chewbacca - Definitely not, for two reasons. One is that he's so closely tied to Solo that I just couldn't take it. The other reason was mentioned in a prior post of mine. To put it bluntly, Wookies shit a lot and when they're not shitting they're stinking for related reasons, or new reasons altogether. Always with the stinking those guys. The stench alone would likely deprive me of oxygen such that I'd be unable to compete. No Wookie.

Luke Skywalker - Big Mr. Jedi. I can't stand that little puke. The look on his face alone makes me want to put a hole in him and no doubt he'd be doing force powers on this, or Jedi mind tricks on that... please... just tie the strap and run the damned race. Added to this is the fact that Jedi killed my father way back when and I've just got plenty of reasons to not want to be tied to one. A therapist once told me I should try and emote more, and work through my hatred of Jedi in order to become a more peaceful person. I shot him in the stomach and let him bleed to death in his own office. Stupid Jedi.

Darth Vader - Now Vader and me go back a bit and he'd be a great choice. Sure his left leg acts up on him now and again, and he's not as spry as he used to be but that black bastard can really get busy with things when he has too. That being said I don't think I'd pick him for a three legged race mainly because I don't think he'd make a good partner. Being a team player just isn't the Dark Lord's strong suit. Plus, he's rather pushy when it comes right down to it, and since I assume a part of this three legged race would be to have fun, I think Vader would dampen that whole thing for me. Being bossed around just makes me cranky. That and the fact that he'd no doubt be to occupied crushing peoples tracheas with his mind and all. He loves that stuff.

Princess Leia - This is the last one on the list, and she'd most definitely be my choice. I'm not sure how fast she can run, and I've got no idea how coordinated she is for this sort of race but let me tell you... of all the people in the list above that I'd like to strap on, I'd pick her. I remember seeing her on Jabba's Sail Barge awhile back and damned if she wasn't looking good. She was wearing this tiny little metal bikini sort of affair and I'll tell you, I wasn't the only one there with a steamed up visor. I think Jabba was even getting off on staring at her and as is widely know, he was homosexual.

So there you have it. Three legged race or not, I'll tie myself up with Leia anytime.

5.06.2005

Guilt, or the lack of it

I've been getting a lot of good questions lately both via email, and in the comments here on the site. I'll address them one at a time starting with the following from an anonymous commenter;

"When you're about to kill something, do you ever feel a twinge of guilt? If a person feels this, should they consider getting out of the business? How can you overcome such an emotion?"

If you are prone to the affliction known as guilt, then you're definitely not cut out for my line of work. That said however, there should be a distinction made here. Being a bounty hunter doesn't mean you HAVE to kill things, but rather it means you have to kill OR capture who or whatever it is as laid out in the contract. By and large a far higher percentage of bounty hunting work out there involves the retrieval of a given being from point A (where they are) to point B (where someone else wants them... jail/court etc). This is largely because most bounty hunters out there aren't nearly as awesome and inspirational as I am. People write songs about me for crying out loud. If you only pursue things that far, the guilt issue really isn't much of a concern. So, while the killing aspect of the business is somewhat optional in that you can simply chose not to take those jobs, from my point of view that's very much like having sex and not getting to make a deposit at the sperm bank. If you take my meaning.

If you want to be the real deal (often referred to as Bounty Hunter as opposed to bounty hunter... note the upper/lower case) then killing part is absolutely essential. I find it so important to the essence of what my job is for two main reasons.

The first, and most important is that beings who are not either a) in fear for their life or b) dead... can be a real bitch to deal with. Suppose you have to bring a large Wookie back to Coruscant for questioning. You fly yourself all the way to Kashyyk, and hunt around the wilderness for who knows how long until you finally find him. By that time you're tired, lagged for the time difference from Coruscant and not in the best of moods. This large Wookie on the other hand might well have been relaxing or working out the entire time, and just waiting for you to stumble in to "capture" him. Do you suppose he's going to be inclined to come along peacefully? Not bloody likely, meaning you now have to somehow restrain this big bastard and drag his giant ass back to your ship. THEN you have to hope he stays restrained on the long flight back to Coruscant and get him to where he needs to go on the surface. Add to all that the grief of feeding the damned thing, to say nothing of the fact that Wookies shit a lot and you get the general idea. Bringing a captured being or creature in to claim a contract is just a lot of damned work.

The second reason is simply that for me, I rather enjoy the killing. It was always like that for me, perhaps because I'm a clone of my Dad and he was a real hard ass. I'm not sure, but in my experience killing something is as rewarding (credit-wise) as it is enjoyable. There's just something about popping some idiot in the face with a blaster that really gets my blood going. Call me crazy.

So, if you want to be a real Bounty Hunter... the killing is very important, and if you deal with any pangs of guilt I'd suggest you take up herbalism or become a librarian or something.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm pulling into Dathomir to go Rancor hunting. I'll answer some more questions next time.

5.04.2005

So you want to be a Bounty Hunter

I've been getting a lot of email lately concerning, what else, my line of work and specifically just how one goes about getting into it. "Dear Boba, how can I be a Bounty Hunter just like you?". Two things. One, it's Mr. Fett... or just Fett if you think you can get away with it. Two, you will never ever be a Bounty Hunter just like me. I'm awesome, and chances are you aren't. Do the math.

So while I can't tell you how to be a Bounty Hunter just like me, I can give you a few tips on what to expect if you chose this trade, and perhaps how to get yourself started. I could go on and on here, so I'll do this in pieces. To begin;

What can I expect when starting out as a new bounty hunter?
Expect slow start up, and long term instability. When you first start out in "the biz" you are a nobody, and you remain so for a long long time. No one will want to hire you to kill their husbands or business partners because you're a normal schmuck just like they are so why bother? It's a long road of taking little jobs before you get to the big time contracts. By little jobs I mean little. A fellow I know started off putting down peoples pets, always making sure to explain to them that if they ever needed anything else killed, he was their man. He did this for years in fact and never did break into the bounty hunter business. He currently runs a pet shop/neuterng facility on Corellia and is presumably very happy. Who cares.


How do I sell my services to the public?
Marketing. You're not going to sell any product or service unless you get the word out there now are you? How can people give you money for X, Y or Z if they don't know or care that you exist. You've got to let them know you are there, and you've got to let them know they need you. You can't exactly put posters up at the mall saying, "Contract Killer for hire", so what can you do? Two main things with the most important being word of mouth. Nothing says you know how to be an effective killer like an unsolicited testimonial. You might get this rolling by taking your first job for free, just to get your foot in the door. Once the job has been successfully completed, be sure and tell the contract to spread your name around the local bars and such, and have him provide some simple means of reaching you. Of course you've got to be careful about this, as you don't want the authorities getting wind of you too soon either. Once you get to my level the authorities are virtually helpless to do anything to you, since more often than not you're work for the authorities in the first place. Be careful starting out though.

How do I learn how to actually do the killing?
Practice makes perfect in everything, especially killing things. I'd suggest starting out with animals or annoying homeless people on your home planet and branching out from there. Perhaps later moving on to sentient beings of the sort that you could easily take care of should things get out of hand. Addicts or politicians come to mind. Once you've got the basics of killing something down it's not hard to apply that knowledge to virtually any living thing you want to eliminate. Aside from real world practice, study is important as well, though it's very important to study the right killing discipline. Suppose you want to work primarily with blades for instance... go to the local butcher shop or slaughterhouse and watch how they hack meat up.

Do you offer training or classes in the art of bounty hunting?
Not exactly, but for my regular fee I'll come kill a friend or relative of your chosing and let you watch. For an additional fee I'll have a short question and answer period afterwards while you clean up the mess.

I'll write more on this subject later including such popular questions as;

How do I come up with a cool sounding name?
What sort of body armor do I want, if any?
What kind of weapons are best for bounty hunting?
How important is dramatic flair as far as becoming a successful Bounty Hunter?

Off to kill something, back sometime later.

5.02.2005

It's a Fact #1 : Han Solo's sexuality

A lot of you seem to have a lot of misconceptions about the world I live in. I think I'll try and clear some of that up now and then with a bite sized fact. Here's the first one;

At one point while seeking out Han Solo I was taking a break from the hunt in a local bar. Now a guy like me is pretty easily recognized and ocassionally I like to bust out of the Mandalorian armor and just hang out like a regular slob, like everyone else. So I'm sitting in the bar minding my own business and who walks in? Solo. Of course he doesn't recognize me without my gear on so I figure I'll have a bit of fun, and do a little research on my target at the same time.

I strike up a converstation with him and his furry pal over drinks and before we knew it we'd been chatting for hours. His giant walking carpet friend got a sour stomach and had to leave fairly early on so that left me and the increasingly drunken Solo, being all chummy. Now, I'm not going to get into any sordid details but lets just sum things up by saying that not only is Han Solo bi-sexual, he's a *practicing* bisexual.

Never having been hit on by a contract before I was a bit surprised (possibly slightly flattered) and figured I'd best get out of there before he started hitting on me (more). I quickly departed, donned my armor and returned rather dramatically to take him out - but according to the bartender he'd already left with a Twilek fellow shortly before. Bad luck yes, but I learned something about the man anyway. Possibly a little too much.

So...

Han Solo is (at least) bi-sexual.

It's a fact.

A little sob story

It's sad how, when a beings life is threatened they often become totally passive. That's the one moment when someone really needs to crank it up a notch and kick some ass, but it often just doesn't work that way.

Take my latest job for instance on the entirely too overgrown world of Dxun in the Onderon system. Everyone knows what a jungle looks like but I'm here to tell you... you want hot, sweaty steaming jungle, you want Dxun. What a shitty place. Anyway, I'm there looking for one Milros Jaxtner who apparently thought going into hiding on such a remote planet would be a good way to lay low and avoid getting caught out. He obviously hadn't factored me into the picture.

So he's there with half a dozen of his body guards just being cool, completely content in the fact that he's "safe". That feeling changed dramatically when I walked into the circle of their little campfire and immediately killed two of his guards. Jaxtner and his remaining four guards jumped up, with Jaxtner himself remaining out of reach while the other four rushed me. What a blast that was. The first died rather unpleasantly (for him... I had fun) with my wrist mounted vibro-blade stuck in his face. The second took several shots from my blaster in his chest and fell wounded onto the fire, where he proceeded to ignite and die a slow painful death sometime later in the jungle, into which he ran screaming. By this time, the remaining two thought a ranged attack would be better so they hid over near their ship which was parked in a clearing nearby with Jaxtner already cowering on the other side of it. He'd managed to fire off a few shots at me while I dealt with the others, but somehow I was already feeling his heart just wasn't in it. With no clear angle for a shot on the other two guards I fired up my jet pack and flew up above them, firing all the while to keep their heads down. As I went over I dropped a small thermal detonator between them and their ship which went off as I'd planned and not only wasted the two losers still firing at me, but severly crippled the ship as well. In what I must say was a very cool move, I reversed direction and landed a little way past the burning ship, right in front of the now fleeing Jaxtner. I am so awseome.

So there we are. Me, six dead body guards, a burning ship and Jaxtner. He's on his knees now, begging me to spare his life. All the standard nonsense about how he'll pay me double whatever my contract stipulated if I'll just let him live. Wife and kids to feed... blah blah blah. He should have considered all that before he pissed off the Ralovac Corporations Executive Board by stealing trade secrets and selling them to the competition. Of course, I didn't care about what he'd done, I was just there to finish my business and get out to collect my fee.

So he whines, and begs and tries to bribe me but I was having none of it. In fact, his prattling was getting on my nerves so much I thought I'd have a little fun with him. To make a long story short he was physically unable to speak in short order, but he could still run pretty fast. I let him charge off into the jungle gurgling blood until I tired of the whole thing and shot him in the back of the head. Keep in mind he was a good ways away at that point and not exactly running in a straight line. POP! I got him square in the back of the head. As I said, I'm so compltely awesome.

So as I started saying above, it is absolutely beyond me why most beings turn into such snivelling morons when faced with their ultimate demise. I mean for crying out loud, you're about to buy the moisture farm here man, stand up and defend yourself. The worst that's going to happen is that I'll kill you, but guess what? I'm going to do that anyway so you might as well go out with a bang. Sheesh, I just don't get some people. I don't get most people come to think of it. bah.

So I'm back onboard the Slave I now and working my way out of this lousy system to collect my pay. I've brought the
Ralovac Corporation's exec's back a little proof of the kill, I hope they don't have white carpets.