He thinks he's got me

From a recent comment;

kira_hibiki said...

...If, hypothetically, you were asked to take a bounty out on yourself, what would you do?

It was a cold, wet evening on a small moon, orbiting a small planet in the Ponntil system. I had been called there for what I was told could well have been the biggest contract of my career. I was excited, yet apprehensive at the prospects as I quietly manuevered through the shadows to the designated meeting area.

As the forest broke into a clearing I halted, and surveyed the scene before me. As promised my contact was waiting, with a single glowlamp set up on the ground to mark the area. He was a short, fat being with a sweaty unhappy look about him almost like a miniature Jabba the Hutt with legs. Beyond that, he looked very nervous. With deft precision I threw a stun grenade into the wooded area behind him and crouched low awaiting the detonation. When it came this unhappy fellow whirled about with a start to see what was happening and by the time he turned around I was standing before him, weapon drawn and levelled on him. The look on his face was priceless.

"Boba... er... Fett... er.. MR. FETT... it's you!" he stammered showing his grasp of the painfully obvious. I answered back with a typically cool response, I poked him in the ribs with my blaster and gave him a curt nod.

"You'll want the details no doubt", he said as he started to find his footing and shake off the nerves. "The work I have for you will go a long way towards ridding the galaxy of an undesirable and even farther towards proving you are a man of your word". I smiled inside my helmet as I started getting the feeling this was going to be an interesting conversation, though likely not in the way my little friend had planned. I could just feel it.

He went on to explain his views on life and our place in it, and told me a story of how his life in particular was such a hard one. He'd been stolen from his parents a child. Sold to the "rape gangs" and made to work in appalling conditions by slavers and the like. Boo hoo. I saw a Jedi cut off my fathers head right before my eyes and you don't hear me whining about it. At any rate, this "sad" tale wound on for a short while until he finally got to the point. "The galaxy", he said, "is full of three kinds of beings. The first are those without honor or promise. Those who will kill for the fun of it and feel no remorse at the upset they may cause to others. The second are the opposite. Noble and true, these types will keep their word almost to a fault and can be relied on to do what they say they'll do, regardless of the consequences to themselves. The third type are a mixture of the two. The sort who will always keep their word and honor a bargain, yet relish the idea of mayhem and the opportunity to do ill to others." He paused then, and looked me up and down. "You sir, are of the latter sort".

I'd had about enough of the slimy little shit-stain at that point and told him so. "Get to the point", I said in that slick even tone I use while working. "You are, without a doubt a man of your word. I've witnessed this countless times albeit indirectly, through all the research I've done about you and I've done a lot".

Oh great, a fan.

He went on, "In that respect you are a boon to the galaxy and I commend you for your steadfastness and shrewd business abilities. However, I have also seen much proof that you are just as much an undesirable. For while you always keep your word and your style of honor in carrying out your contracts, you thrive on the conflict and bare no thoughts within you for those to whom you bring harm". Sounded like his research was pretty accurate, got to hand it to him for that anyway. "For the last time chubby, what's the point?", I asked, growing very thin of patience.

"The point is this my friend", he said now unfortunately too cocky for his own good. "You are a man of your word, and at the same time an undesirable force in the galaxy. It is because of this that I am hiring you to kill... yourself." If anything ever made my mouth hang open in this helmet of mine it was that line. I couldn't believe someone would actually try something like this. "You want me to kill... myself?", I asked momentarily perplexed. "Quite", he replied smiling. "You are a man of your word and if you'll give me that word I'll fully believe you will carry out this contract." "Now why would I give you my word about something like that?", I asked. "Simply because I know you too well Mr. Fett and I know that if there is one thing you treasure more than the glory of the hunt, it's your legacy. See to it that this job gets carried to it's conclusion and I'll see to it that you are forever remembered as the greatest Bounty Hunter who ever lived. People will cheer your name for eons to come, and quake at the thought of your awesome might. If you do not accept the contract, I'll have to do the opposite of course. If you're remembered at all it will be as a nobody. A simple low grade bounty hunter who had promise, but lost everything because of a certain lifestyle peculiarty". I knew where this was going, I'd heard it before. My temperature was rising.

"So Mr. Fett as I said, it's quite simple. Accept the contract and give me your word that you'll kill yourself and be remembered well for all time... or... refuse the job and I tell the entire galaxy what I saw between you and a certain someone on Corellia. I do believe I have you Mr. Fett.", he added smiling.

I stood there staring at him... through him actually... for a long while. Mind mind racing back to days gone by and to mistakes made and opportunities lost. I knew exactly what he was talking about. Did he have me? Was I snared by such a fat useless piece of Wookie-dung?

His answer came swiftly as I literally pierced the left side of his face with the barrel of my EE-3 blaster rifle. I was actually a bit surprised I could hit someone that hard, as this isn't a pointy weapon but then again I was seriously pissed off. I pulled my weapon free and kicked him hard in the chest sending the fat little bastard on his ass. As is typical, he was begging and pleading for his life by now, or as best as he could at least with a huge hole torn in his face.

I toyed with him for a bit, expanding my knowledge of his species anatomy first hand with my vibroblade while he squealed and squirmed like the pathetic animal that he was. When I tired of that, and when my patience for the entire incident wained I leaned close to him and simply said, "Dead men tell no tales, and for the record... I am the greatest Bounty Hunter who ever lived shithead". With that I shot him in the face for a good 5 minutes straight. The resultant puddle was a sickly mask of this idiots head which I've no doubt made more than one creature sick that evening, as they came out of the forest to feast on his putrid remains.

I really am awesome you know. I'm sure this guy knew it too, at least for a moment.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Boba Fett, I love you.


Anonymous vork the terrible said...

Someone's gotta show the morons their place in the universe. Kill yourself? How the hell would you spend the freaking paycheck?

Yeah, yeah. I know. Eternal fame/infamy was the promise.

Eternal infamy be damned, you can't take it with you anyway. Squeeze every bit of fun you can out of life, torture some idiots, live every day of your life, die when you gotta.

Will people 10,000 years from now be talking about Vork the Terrible? Probably not. Will they be talking about Boba Fett? More likely, but still unlikely. Will either of us be around to care? Barring some carbonite and some weird happenstance, I doubt it.

You had fun, that's what matters.

Anonymous Anonymous said...


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hm.. I wonder if he was as stupid as he appeared to be or if he planned on the information being released in the event of his death. Your haste may come back to bite you in the end.

Blogger Chewbacca said...

Bobafett, I can only express my confusion as to how you somehow have managed to escape death yet again. I assume we will meet again in the near future and I will be there to rip off your arms if you try anything.


Anonymous Kohrak said...

WOW! A talking carpet!

Blogger kira_hibiki said...

You are the king. The absolute king.

Hypothetical situations have nothin' on you.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

well you have the imagination for it, but your writing skills are mediocre.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've read a couple of these pathetic little blogs, it's obvious you're trying to copy darthside, which was actual literature. this is just morons pretending they're someone else. seriously, leave the writing for people who know how. Especially if you're going to contradict the authors of real SW books who wrote about how Fett actually escaped from Tatooine.

Blogger kira_hibiki said...

Um, "anonymous", everything is someone pretending to be someone else. That's what all forms or literature, film, video games, etc entail. You might want to change your opinion of Darthside as well, because that wasn't "literature", it was as misspelled and gramatically incorrect as this, and most other blogs.

Anonymous Anonymous said...


Blogger Sheik said...

You know, if you had the chance to do anything over, like a do over, what would it be?

Anonymous Anonymous said...

i guess its a good thing for boba then that chewie is dead now in the EU and boba still runs free :)

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